In many ways, Portland is a dark city. But if you've ever lived in Portland, you know how gratifying the sunlight is after waiting months to see her face. The sun comes out and Portland awakes from its depressive sleep. Dogs, frisbees, joggers, outdoor patio seating, festivals, golf courses, and people come out of every crevice and crack. Sunlight has a way of making everything full of life. If the sun has been away for a long time, its life-giving effect is amplified when it does finally come out.
We've come to call Portland (our previous home), gray-world! It feels like your living in a rain cloud for the better (or worse) part of your year. Gray, gray, gray! But then, as always, the sunshine comes after the rain! When it does, it's amazing. Portland can be one of the greatest places to be in the summertime (or whenever those clouds decide to rescind and let the sunlight through!). I have said countless times, during one of these amazing sunlit days in Portland, "I think Portland is the best place in the world on days like this!"
In many ways, the state of Meredith and I's lives can be compared to state of the sun in Portland. While in Portland, Meredith and I have, both together and individually, experienced some of the most "sunlit" moments of our lives. As I look back over the incredible life-changes that have taken place in Portland, I am humbled and thankful for our time there and am so touched by those we've come to know and love. Some of our brightest moments include incredible friends/family (the kind that leave an permanent indent in your life), super fun college experiences, great work environments, amazing dates, engagement, marriage, college degrees, first child, second child, first "real" job, and some awesome restaurants! We've had a bunch of sunlight in our lives. But, beneath the surface and, many times, on the surface, we've experienced profound depths of pain, insecurity, anxiety, depression, self hate, disappointment, loss, emptiness, and sin. If the sun was out for too long, the darkness would certainly come full steam ahead. The greatest and worst moments of my, Meredith's, and our lives have taken place in Portland, Oregon.
It's been kind of difficult for me to really process and understand most of this until we left for our new home in Charlotte, North Carolina. I knew that Portland was a dark place for us, but it wasn't until we got about an hour and a half away from Portland when the sun beamed through our van's windows onto our faces and relief, excitement, anticipation, joyfulness, and life were realized again-hope was restored!
The crazy thing about hope is that its both a feeling and a state of mind. You can choose to have hope, or it can sneak up on you and take you over. The beautiful thing about true Hope is that He is always there, He always knows, He always loves, He always accepts, and He constantly beckons for you and me to join Him. I love Hope!
Meredith and I both now have tattoos that say hope. We got them to symbolize that, even when the darkness seems to outweigh the light, Hope is always there. They serve as a reminder (an altar) of God's work in our lives. For a long time, we wanted to leave Portland. Life kept happening to us and it seemed hard to get traction. Then, just when we thought we had a "way out," God came in a threw a wrench in our whole plan and laid Charlotte on our laps. We are so grateful that God would choose us for this adventure and we're certain that He is behind us.
Sometimes He wants us to just realize His presence and enter a state of being where we are consumed by Him, and other times He finds us and, just because He loves us, takes us over and consumes us. I love it when Hope consumes me!"
We live on the edge
On the edge of a darkness
Daylight comes to meet you on the road
Like a prodigal son, a prodigal hope
That you gave up on when you were young
Yeah, but daylight is coming on
-John Mark Mcmillan "Daylight"
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