Love drives out fear

Recently, I've been selling a lot of stuff on Craigslist. For anyone who's been in the selling position, you can relate that a variety of people call you, come to your doorstep, and, maybe, walk into your house. Having people you don't know penetrate the barriers you've built up can be scary and unpredictable.

In my current job as a cable technician (guy), I am in other people's homes all day. For some reason, it's just different when they're in my home. It takes more work to trust someone when they're coming close to what's near to your heart than it takes to trust someone when you're close to what's near to theirs.

I recently finished Kathryn Stockett's novel, The Help, a book about living in Jackson, Mississippi in the heat of the civil rights era. It's a first person narrative told from the perspective of three women; first, a young white female author who's writing a book from the perspective of "the help" or the black maids of the southern homes in her town; secondly and thirdly, the story is told from two of the maid's, that this author is writing about, perspectives. It's a provocative novel that has both funny and grotesque aspects of the effects of racism and prejudice that plague(d) so many of our societies during this era.

My favorite character in this book is a woman by the name of Celia Foote. Celia grew up in "white-trash-ville" but had the looks to sweep up the hunk that the town's most popular girl, Hilly Holbrook, was dating. Obviously, her good looks, man-thieving capabilities, and her "unpopular" upbringing separate her from her white peers. All throughout the book, Celia is trying to become part of the popular crowd that she so longs to be a part of. Her maid, Milly, is a rough-round-the-edges southern woman that has a smart mouth and a fire that is bound to get her in all kinds of trouble. Milly starts her relationship with Celia not understanding why that "fool" don't understand any of the rules. Celia is not like the other white women Milly's served. She touches, eat meals with, laughs with, and befriends Milly. (it really is an excellent book, and I'd recommend it to anyone)

There's an innocence/ignorance/air-headedness about Celia that I found so attractive. At the same time that I was reading this book, I was creating a 5 step plan involving a loaded gun sitting on my washer, a locked garage door, a wife ready to dial 9-1-1, and a secret knock on the door indicating stress to "protect" myself and my family from whatever type of person might have been coming to my house to check out that ol desk that's been sitting in my garage.

After the first Craigslist visitor did absolutely nothing to indicate any sketchiness, I found myself telling Meredith that I need to be more like Celia and less like Hilly.

You see, prejudice comes from fear. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with protecting my family from danger. But, my protection was coming from a general distrust of people. I think that Celia has some things to teach me about trusting people, believing in the goodness of people, and always persevering to love my enemies. Celia's not all soft either, so don't go thinkin that she doesn't know how to protect herself.

Love drives out fear. That Biblical concept has many implications. I would contend that one implication is that when we love people, we're not afraid of them. We've got nothing to lose when we risk for the sake of love. If I die because I loved, then I lived! If I die because I was afraid, then I missed out on freedom! Love without fear, trust in the One you love, and risk everything.

Dare all the more...

Light up the darkness

 I’m a pretty “black and white” thinker. In most situations, it seems to me that things are right or wrong, left or right, up or down, black or white, or good or bad. Fortunately, I’ve lived long enough and been through enough in my life to know that 1) most people aren’t as “color blind” as me, 2) it’s often unfair and destructive to treat things like emotions and feelings as if they are black and white, 3) and, when used wisely and with sensitivity, my “black and white” way of thinking can produce incredible things. I feel the need to let you know this about myself as sort of a caveat for what’s to come, not just in this blog, but in many!

I constantly think of things in categories. Throughout most of every day, I categorize things. On the one hand, my memory’s insane; on the other hand, people are sometimes annoyed by my “simplistic” way of thinking and talking about a lot of things in life!

I have sort of developed a schematic for understanding my relationships in life. I tend to think that most people operate from the same rules that I do, they just don’t necessarily order or categorize things as aggressively or anally as me.

I, in know way, am intending to show or expose the full dimensions of my schematic. Rather, I’d like to talk about a specific topic that I have had many conversations with two of my great buddies about. These conversations have happened over the course of months and almost years and have covered a very broad spectrum of topics and emotions. That being said, here we go.

Relationships…we all have a variety of relationships in our lives. Terms like bff, buddy, lover, sister, homie, friend, acquaintance, girlfriend, pal, family, and my dawg are just a few that I have used to describe the various people in my life. Being so black and white, it’s tough for me to accept statements that I often hear like, “Those three girls are my best friends.” Really? Cause last time I checked, there can only be one best!! Disagree with my cold approach to the labeling of friends if you’d like, but hear me out on the four categories of relationships that I have come to believe that most people have, regardless of their acknowledgement or acceptance of them. In an effort to simplify the way that I understand the “closeness” I feel towards people, I’ve come up with this schema.

Onesies:

These are the people that are closest to you. They know you, you know them, and there’s a sense of commitment in these types of relationships. These are the people that you don’t just “pick up where you left off” cause, well, you didn’t leave off. Spouses, your closest friend(s), siblings, children, and imaginary friends are often the people that can fairly be called onesies.

Deuces: (not in any way to be confused with douche; not the same folks)

These are the people that are your friends but aren’t allowed into very many if any of the crevices of your life. Sometimes people move from being a onesie to being a deuce. These are the people that “you can pick up where you left off.” School friends, teammates, small group people, coworkers, and hang out buddies are often the people that can fairly be called deuces.

Treys:

These are the people that you could identify in a public setting but don’t really know that well. Maybe a good friend’s friend that you met that one time at that party, or perhaps someone you’ve met a coffee shop that you regular and have talked small talk with several times. Treys and deuces can be similar or from similar groups. For example, you may have a deuce that was on your basketball team in college or you worked with at Red Robin, but at the same time, another one of your teammates or another one of your coworkers may be a trey rather than a deuce. The main difference is that treys are people you might call an acquaintance but calling them a friend would probably be a bit of a stretch.

Quads:

This is probably the most ambiguous of the four categories; because this is sort of the catchall for the people that don’t fall in 1-3, it can sometimes seem cold to put people into this category. We all have people like this in our lives though. Whether its that creepy guy that lives across the street that you have, literally, never talked to, or it’s the lady at the grocery store that you recognize from somewhere else but cannot seem to place. Everyday you interact with people at businesses, on the road (in your cars), or on the phone when you’re calling about something. These interactions are not life-changing, but the interaction creates in some way a kind of relationship.

(If there were a fifth category, it would include people you don’t know, see, or interact with; thus, its fair to assume that in some way all of these people above are in some way people you have the potential to give of yourself to.)

Okay, so now that I’ve taken at least several minutes of your time defining the schematic with which I tend to understand and simplify the complexity of relationships that exist in both my life and others’, I’d like to actually get to the beginning of my point! (“YIKES, he’s long winded for his second blog entry!” Well as my dad once called me, I’m the wind man!)

There seems to be four types of prioritizations that people I’ve known have when it comes to how they interact with people in their lives. Obviously, there’s probably a middle to these four dispositions; however, I tend to believe (being so black and white) that nobody ever starts in the middle. Rather I tend to believe that people start out wicked and work there way towards righteous coming from the right or the left side of wicked. On a humanly level, we tend to think that the people who are on the other side are automatically the “wrong” ones while we stand in the light; however, experience has taught me that we’re all messed up and need to be brought to the middle. The only way to be brought to the middle is if someone who is in fact from there comes and gets us and shows us the way. When we become followers of the real Light, we begin to leave the darkness and thus shine brighter.

That being said, I’ve come to believe that there are these four types of prioritizations out there.

1)   There are people who consider the onesies to be the only important people and thus choose to give all of themselves to the people in this category thus neglecting entirely the other three categories.

2)   There are people who consider “everybody else” to be of the utmost importance, believing things like, “My kid will understand if I don’t come to his graduation cause I’ve got Tuesday wing nights at Chuck’s (a trey at best) house.” These people neglect, consistently, the people who they are “closest” to in order to spend time, energy, or money with the people who aren’t really that close to them.

My contention is that these first two types of social prioritizations are extremely unhealthy and cause all sorts of dysfunctional families, individuals, churches, and friendships. I will spend no time talking about these types of people because, well, they are at the beginning of their journey from darkness to light and need to take a few steps to indicate that they’re moving!

3)   There are people who consider “everybody else” highly important. They invest a lot of their time, energy, and money into deuces, treys, and quads. They don’t neglect onesies, but often they spend the bulk of what they’ve got to give on categories two through four thinking that onesies understand their importance and accept the amount that they’re given from this individual.

4)   Lastly, there are the people who are consistently loyal to their onesies. Often these people tend to forget the importance of deuces, treys, and quads. These people are usually considered “exclusive” by people who are not in their onesies group. People want in and find themselves being turned away by these people with reasons like, “I’ve already got enough friends, sorry, no room for any more.”

Alright, definitions are done for now. If you’re still with me, then I’d assume your going to finish this blog, so let me strive to wrap it up.

In my time of dealing with people from social prioritization types three and four, I’ve found that there’s a tension between them. In the tension lies perfection. What does a person who’s perfect at relationships look like? How do categories three and four move towards perfection? What’s at stake?

The tension lies in the reality that people are important. People’s feelings, thoughts, health, spiritual status, situations, and lives are of the utmost importance. So, how do we decide to give of ourselves? How do we know when to give to a trey and when to say no to the treys and yes to the onesies? I think we all start from one side or persuasion and we work on what we’re weak at.

For me, I’m a social prioritization four in every way. Nine times out of ten, I’ll choose you if you’re a onesie rather than someone in another group. It’s not that I think deuces, treys, and quads don’t have value; I honestly think all people are important. It actually has much more to do with how much I’ve got to give and how I choose to disperse what I have in my “relationship bank.”

Think of it like this. Every person has a certain amount of coins. Coins represent how much of yourself you have to give away and yet remain healthy on the inside. Let’s say that one person has ten coins and another person has twenty. Neither one of these people are better than the other, rather they’re different. Super social people tend to have more coins then super introverted people. However, what makes you fall into one social prioritization category versus another has nothing to do with how many coins you have, but how you choose to disperse them. Honestly, I don’t think there is a specific mold of how to disperse your coins; I just believe that for various reasons (jobs, personality, family structure, and skills) people seem to at least start their life off dispersing their coins in one of four ways (my four categories of social prioritizations help me understand all this a little bit better).

So, what’s the goal? Well, I’m not sure about you, but I’d like to improve in life. I love the idea of perfection, and I think that striving towards perfection whilst remembering our imperfection is a great place to start. So the goal is to get to a place where everyone that you interact with throughout your day, whether they’ve been a onesie for 15 years or you just met them for the first time at a gas station pump, is in some way touched by love. Love changes things. You may choose to give the bulk of your coins to one group over another; however, if you’re striving for perfection, remember in the end love is what matters. When you get to a point where a onesie feels just as loved as a quad, then you’re doing something right-you’re loving others.

Light drives out the darkness. As you walk in the light, you glow. As you glow, you light up the world around you. Be a light all the time. Choose others over yourself and you won’t go wrong.

Dare all the more to light up the darkness…

Light up the darkness-by Jake Greer